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Thomas is officially a teenager today, God help me!
12/06/2011

13 years ago today we received a phone call from Winnell Bird who ran Blessed Trinity Adoption Agency in Houston. She was calling to tell me that 3 babies had been born that day and I needed to pick one of them RIGHT NOW. I heard the words, but could not believe what I was hearing. How could I possibly choose one of these newborn angels?

One of the babies was a bi-racial girl in New Hampshire, one was a black baby girl in Louisiana and one was a newborn black boy in Houston. In the 60 seconds I had to choose, I asked Winnell which baby would be the last one chosen. She told me the dark black boy would be, so that was the baby I chose! That itty-bitty baby boy, that we named Thomas has been a treasure for our family. I know with every fiber of my being, that God meant this child to be ours. He is a blessing to us and has helped us see the world thru different eyes. He has taught us so many lessons that I most often feel inadequate.

13 years ago, Thomas entered the world at 15 minutes after midnight. He has packed more adventure, joy and experiences into those 13 years than most people do in a lifetime. I love my angel for his sense of adventure, kind, kind heart, sense of humor and his ability to adapt to the chaos of our life. I can't even imagine what our family would be like without Thomas in it. One thing is for sure. Our family would have saved a TON of money on doctor co-pays and emergency room visits. He keeps life spicy and always interesting.

Happy birthday to my oldest son. I treasure you and thank God for you everyday!

I returned to the physical therapist on Tuesday and was pleased to learn that my injured knee is continuing to heal and is scarring down and tightening up. This is all good news, but the flip side of the good news is that I must push ahead and step outside (no pun intended) of my comfort zone with my knee. I was told to use only one crutch and begin to bear almost full weight on my right leg. This is scary stuff. Five weeks ago when I injured it, I couldn't stand with any weight on my leg without my femur flopping to the inside of my knee by about 7 cm. Wickedly gross stuff.

Now I'm supposed to stand and 'trust' my knee to support me. I get pins and needle like shooting pains through the MCL portion of my knee that remind me it still isn't like it used to be. I've been told that it will take a full year for the scar tissue to mature and for the knee to be as stable as it once was. While my physical healing is progressing, my psychological healing is taking longer. Every time I take a step now, I am acutely aware of where I place my foot, and what it feels capable of bearing. I must be super careful about not twisting or rotating on my right foot as that will cause the knee to twist too.

OK, let me just cut to the damn chase and say it. I'm friggin' scared as hell to begin using the leg again as I worry that I'll injury it again. I know the pain it caused and I really don't want to have to feel that again......EVER! See, mentally I'm a basket case. Even though I'm a nervous wreck, I am pushing myself to do just as the PT told me to do. Next Tuesday I return to the PT and if it's continuing to heal as expected, they take my crutches away and will ask me to stand like a stork, bearing all my weight on the bad knee. OH MY GOD, this scares me.

How do I get beyond the fear of re injuring my knee again? I am so impatient to get back to my normal full-steam-ahead pace of life, that my mental fears hold me back. I can't trust my knee yet and still I dream about the day I can drive to the grocery store and push my overly-burdened cart thru the store with great vengeance.

Pathetic! My great motivating dream is to push a cart thru the damn grocery store. Holy Toledo, I need a life!

12/06/2011

I went to my weekly physical therapy appointment last Tuesday and left in great disappointment. Mr. Studdly, AKA Mr. PT informed me that my knee is still healing and is not tight in full straight leg extension. At 30 degrees of flexion it feels as tight as my left knee but since it's still loosy-goosy in the straight position, he won't allow me to wear my leg brace unlocked or to bear any weight yet. POOP!

I have some more involved exercises to do to strengthen my knee, but they hurt like hell. Now I actually don't know what hell feels like, but I can now describe it as a burning ache that radiates to the deepest recesses of my knee. Sometimes when I am trying to bend my knee it feels like someone tied knots in my ligament and as it stretches the knots get pulled over each other. Yeah, not a cool feeling especially after having seen my ligament on the MRI and seeing how it looked like shredded chicken meat.

I go back to the physical therapist on Monday morning and then I see the ortho. I am hoping like heck that my knee has tigthened up enough that they will allow me to start wearing my brace in the unlocked/flexed position and will let me start putting weight on the leg. I know the ortho told me that by 6-8 weeks my knee will be as scarred down and as tight as it will get. I just hope that it gets as tight as the left knee and I will not need major reconstruction to tighten the MCL. I'm not really worked up about needing arthroscopic surgery on my meniscus as that should be relatively easy compared to the damage I did to the MCL, and it can wait for several months as I rehab the ligament.

I'm bummed as I sit here, watching holiday plans take shape around me. I won't be able to prepare, cook and bake our Thanksgiving dinner, nor will I be able to participate in Christmas shopping in stores. I'm having a major pity-party for myself and would love to have company. I just want to get up and resume my normal life and would love to see some forward progress of my knee healing. Out of this experience I have learned I am not patient, nor happy to sit idly by and watch life happen around me. I have to get back to living soon. My expanding waist and butt can't take much more self-soothing of the Schwan's ice cream kind.

I was able to see the exact spot where my MCL pulled away from my femur and could easily see that the entire length of the ligament was shredded both superficially and in the deep layers. What isn't great to see is that my medial meniscus was damaged from the rotation of my tibia and femur and will most likely need surgery after my MCL is completely healed. He explained that by 8 weeks we'll know how much healing and scarring has occurred and that whatever joint stability is present then, is most likely how much I'll ever have. He's hopeful that with proper rehabilitation I will have a fully functioning MCL and hence a 'normal' knee. Once he assesses my knee progress at 8 weeks, he'll begin discussing my probable menisci surgery which he anticipates as a fairly routine arthroscopic procedure with minimal recovery time.

I had physical therapy today which was, let's just say, interesting. The therapist is a rather good looking guy which is why no matter how much it hurts to stretch, I must shave my legs before any session with him. He began today by assessing my good leg and knee. Seems that I am 'hyperflexive' which explains why I can bend my knee joints way beyond straight and flat, why I can pop my hips out of place and my creepy elbows that bend in a freakish way. Anyway, after establishing that my joints are loosy-goosy, he had me bend my knee for the first time in 2 weeks. At the start of the session I could reach 41 degrees of flexion and by the end of the session was at 46 degrees which is half way to my 90 degree goal. I was pea green scared to bend my leg. I knew my shin might just fall off or flop around, but it didn't it. What it did do, was let me know that there is a lot of healing going on in that joint. To flex my leg to only 41 degrees made me feel so wimpy. I'm so scared that I'll undo all the healing that has taken place and set me back even further than anticipated. I've never felt fragile before, but boy, am I careful with my knee. With any luck, next week he'll feel even more tightening of my knee joint and allow me to start toe touching with my right leg. WoooHoooo, I get to put my toes on the ground. Hot Damn!

I called my oldest sister last night to give her a rundown of my doctor's appointment only to have her tell me she would have to call me back as she was driving herself to the emergency room. Yep, us Heckman girls are peas-in-a-pod when it comes to injuries. Seems she was walking her dog, Buster, when he suddenly took off after something, causing her to fall and be dragged across the concrete street on her back. She has a concussion and a hideous head wound, but with God's help and 40 Irish Policemen, she'll mend too. So that officially makes 2 out of the 3 of us Heckman girls with dog related injuries. I wonder what my middle sister, Kathy will have happen. Seeing as she is decidedly NOT an animal lover like Nancy and I are, I can only imagine that she will have a Jimmy Choo stiletto high heel accident. Time will tell, but things tend to run in 3. This time I wouldn't mind if things quit at the terrible two's.

8 days ago I stuck my leg out to protect the powercord and laptop from being catapulted to the floor and ended up with major knee damage. Oddly enough, right before I stuck my leg out, I had a sense of deja vu( for lack of a better description) and had the fleeting instinct to keep my legs curled up on the couch. I ignored my gut instinct and am now left with a complete MCL tear. Not only is my MCL torn completely thru the deep and superficial layers, but it is also pulled away from the femur. Wait...in addition to the MCL damage I also have meniscal damage. Seems that will actually require some surgery to 'clean up' the pieces that are just hanging around in the joint now. So, for the next 3 weeks I am to continue with this hideous leg brace and have ZERO weight bearing. After 6-8 weeks, the doctor will re-evaluate how much healing has taken place on my MCL and then plan to salvage the meniscus.

What have I learned from this lesson? To always listen to that little voice inside of myself and not ignore it. If I had listened to that instinct 8 days ago, I would be writing about the expense of buying a new laptop. Boy, do I sure wish I was bitching about that now instead of being confined to the living room couch and using crutches to get to the bathroom.

I believe in intuition. If only I didn't have to learn it in earnest the hard way.

I am most definitely not an over achiever in my life, but in this aspect I seem to have exceeded all expectations. The one thing the doctor said to me that made me laugh was that he said this is one injury you don't get by sitting around on a couch. HA! I showed him! Not all MCL injuries occur in highly trained athletes. They can also happen to middle-aged, home educating moms, who happen to be surfing the couch!

This body was not designed to motor around on crutches. My uncoordinated gate on the crutches is proof of my 'non- athlete' status. I am in a boatload of pain and imagine it will continue for some time. Well, it has improved some since yesterday when the doctor was examining it and moving what's left of my knee around. I actually screamed out when he moved my femur to the left of my knee. Not a pretty sight and not a pretty feeling.

Until I get the MRI, which I hope is sometime in the next week, I am living in limbo. I am supposed to have PT but am a little uncertain if I can handle it before getting all the shitty news that the MRI might give me. My knee is scattered and so is my brain.

Craptober cannot end soon enough. I'm ready to move on to the happy phase of life which is supposed to follow all the crap. Every cloud is supposed to have a silver lining and I sure hope that holds true for my life right now.

Madison brought josh, our 24 year old horse up to the house and was screaming for me to come look at him as he ad a large swelling on his back. I told her i'd be right back out as soon as i put my shoes on, but stopped,and figured i'd just have a quick looksie. Number one rule around horses is to always have shoes on and i broke that rule.....and paid for it.

I touched the sore spot and Josh splattered promptly smashing my bare foot under his hoof into the very hard concrete. I recoiled with my foot lodged under his ample hoof and fell over smashing my right hand and thumb. Madison drove me to urgent care where the x-rays show a crack in my navicular bone in my wrist and a crack in my sesmoid bone in my foot. i'd be on crutches but i can't since my arm is in a splint until i can see an orthopedic surgeon on Tuesday. It seems the bone in my hand has poor blood supply and these fractures frequently require a screw to make it heal.

So Thomas sees the ortho for his knee on the 24th and i see my guy on Tuesday. I bet we'll get a few looks walking into the clinic. Maybe we'll get a two-fer deal on our surgeries?

excusenthe typos's but hunting and pecking sucks, but I'm stocked up on pain killers!!

12/06/2011

Thomas had his appointment today with the orthopedic nurse practitioner. She maneuvered his leg in ways that made Marc almost vomit. She twisted and contorted his skinny minny leg every which way but behind his ears. He also complained of his hip hurting so that was x-rayed as well.

We knew sommin' was up when the actual orthopedic surgeon came into the room to introduce himself shortly after his x-ray was complete. He proceeded to twist and jerk and pull on Thomas' leg all the while making guttural sounds like a fat, happy pig. We heard a lot of umph's, and a lot of uggggghhh's. Thomas made no noise other than to tell him when something cracked, popped and snapped. The real doctor, not the nurse practitioner who I actually liked, looked at us and pronounced that his knee is extremely unstable and loose and he has a completely torn ACL. He almost announced it in a way that made us feel like we should be proud of our kids youthful accomplishment.

The doctor told us that surgery at this stage of the game is highly discouraged as it would interfere with the growth of the leg as the surgery would involve messing with the growth plate. He also said that due to the nature of a young, teen aged boy and his ability to use common sense with a replaced ACL, the re-injury rate is enormous. His recommendation is to wait for surgery until he is through his growth phase and his decision making ability is better and he is approximately 19. HELLOOO! That is 6 friggin' years away. He wants me to institute a swimming regimen and weight lifting program to strengthen his quads and hamstring.

Modern medicine?? Is this the best you can offer my son. His knee literally blows out sideways when he over flexes it or twists or heck, even runs slowly. So for 6 years I am supposed to tell my very active son to use his critical thinking skills, weigh the pros and cons of his intended activity and then proceed with caution. Get a friggin' grip. This from a kid who can't think far enough ahead to realize poking a beehive with a stick is probably not a good idea.....especially with a bad knee and a quick getaway needed!

I'm a big proponent of second opinions, so guess where we're headed next Monday. We have an appointment with a Pediatric Orthopedic Surgeon at Children's Hospital in Minneapolis. I think I'll feel much better hearing this doctor's opinion. If it jives with what the doctor here said, well then great. We'll do our best to keep Thomas from taking unnecessary chances with his knee. But if we hear a vastly different opinion, I'm inclined to follow the doctor at Children's. We've had some really great experiences with the doctors' at Children's and I have every reason to believe this experience will be as educational and comforting. Knowledge is power and I fully intend to be as informed about pediatric ACL ruptures as one can be short of medical school.

Thomas and his knee are causing us a little bit of a logistical headache. When I phoned the orthopedic clinic yesterday, I explained that the pediatrician wanted him to be seen by an orthopedic surgeon due to her suspicions of a torn cruciate and/or meniscus. The young man taking my phone call told me there was an opening with Dr. XYZ on Tuesday at 10AM. Great, and I took the appointment. Today I got on the computer to have a little looksie at whom I was entrusting my son's future mobility to, and was shocked to find out that the 'Dr.' was actually a nurse practitioner. Now I have nothing against a nurse practitioner and have actually chosen to see one as my primary in the past. However, when I request a doctor, I expect to be given an appointment with a doctor and not a close second.

Thomas also carries the Sickle Cell Trait which is half the genetic component of Sickle Cell Disease. Having Sickle Cell Trait is fairly inconsequential in daily life and is only really important during extreme heat and exercise, high altitude hiking, and of course procreation....but that's a ways down the road yet! The most critical aspect of SC Trait is knowing this and relaying the information to a doctor before surgery. SC Trait means that half of his red blood cells do not carry oxygen efficiently through his body and this affects the way he handles and processes anaesthesia. This was very carefully explained to me by the pediatric anaesthesiologist at Emanuel Children's Hospital in Portland when Thomas had emergency life saving surgery at 9 months of age. The anesthesiologist was emphatic that Marc and I understand this and to always impart this knowledge with doctors before surgery.

When Thomas needed surgery soon after we moved to Bismarck, I shared my concern that he have an anesthesiologist familiar with SC Trait kids. The doctors reaction left me cold and Marc, Thomas and I left his office immediately. The doctor scoffed at my worries and told me that putting them to sleep was always easy. Really, no duh! It's the waking them up part that worries me. We took Thomas to Children's Hospital in Minneapolis and had a wonderful physician and had a very comforting, reassuring discussion with the anesthesiologist who once again, validated my concerns about the nature of SC Trait.

As I type, Marc is at his office trying to schedule an appointment for Thomas at Children's Hospital in Minneapolis. We need to have him seen by a surgeon and to establish the relationship with a physician that can provide the surgery at a hospital familiar with kids with SC Trait. The anesthesiologist at Children's have been wonderful to Thomas in the past and I have ever hope that their skill will meet the level I desire for my child.

I am so frustrated by the medical services here. I am also immensely humbled that while I sit an complain about my frustrations, I can still pick and choose which doctor and where to take my son for treatment. It's so sad to realize that just 500 miles from the tip of Florida, people are dying everyday because they do not have access to a doctor and simple medicine. The people of Haiti know what real frustration looks and feels like. I have very little room to complain right now.

I am grateful that we are able to provide the best medical care we can and that we have options. So many in this world do not. That's a reality that breaks my heart.

12/06/2011

Thomas has been complaining of his right knee hurting for about 2 weeks. Twice now, his knee has given out and he has fallen while walking down the stairs. Yesterday at soccer, he stopped playing to rest it and then continue on.

Thomas has a fairly high tolerance for pain. He's just plum stoic. I took him to the doctor's office today after we finished school. Since we didn't make an appointment with our pediatrician, as a walk-in, you see the pediatrician on call. She's a nice, YOUNG gal and gave Thomas a thorough going-over. He actually exhibited pain when she flexed the knee and twisted it. Ah ha!

Off we went to x-ray. I just got the phone call that as expected, the x-rays were fine. Now we see an orthopedist on Tuesday. He'll schedule an MRI and it looks like Thomas may have a partial tear of his anterior cruciate and/or blown his meniscus.

He has been told to stay very INACTIVE and not move around much until then. Great! How do I keep a kid in constant motion, quiet and still? He's on some anti inflammatories and Motrin 24 hours a day now and I can only hope that he just has some soft tissue tears like muscles that don't require surgical correction.

And to make my day just a little more interesting, I woke up with my first ever eyelid stye. It's on my lower right eyelid and I look a little dopey and maybe even a little like a battered woman. I can only hope the swelling goes away before I have to take Thomas to the doctor's next week. What a pair we'll make. One limpy, gimpy kid and his mom with a puffed up, red eyelid!~

(some mad frisbee skills)

With names like Chaps, Jet, Seven and Charlotte, each dog had it's own personality and knew how to work the crowd. The show started with an obstacle course for the dogs (as you can imagine, some nights the dogs were certainly better than others). Gail, the dog's trainer, and her assistant Tom, a butler-looking sort of clown, worked with the dogs through the obstacle course, hula hooped with the dogs, and threw frisbees to the dogs in crazy patterns.

(obstacle course and Tom, because every show needs it's clown)

The crowd loved the dogs, especially the tiny one, Charlotte, who jumped over a collie named Seven. And personally, I loved the dogs. Any time you can have dogs at an outdoor performance, you are setting yourself up for a good situation. On occasion the dogs would get distracted by horse poop on the back of the stage, but once their concentration was back, the show was a hit.

(bff's charlotte and seven)

The last three photos are courtesy of mary egstad, reallyred88.blogspot.com

http://extremecanines.com/

All in all, though, it was a good weekend, Most of the hotels were booked up and the streets were a more interesting place with the sweet cars cruising through town.

Here are a few photos of my quick stroll in the few moments of sunshine.

(various rodeo princesses carrying the Medora flag and the Rough Rider flag)

(some cowboys, check out the mini one)

Near the end of the parade, the famous Burning Hills Singers, the cast of the Medora Musical, and the closest thing to celebrity that this town has, came riding down the street in a horse drawn buggy. Things were going just fine until they reached the announcers stand, and one of the horses (who had a broken bridle to begin with) spooked. Buffalo Dale, who was riding a horse next to the buggy, and the driver of the buggy tried to keep the horses under control, but they bolted down the street, making for a much quicker parade than anticipated. At that point a loud noise was heard and the spectators raced to the street to see what happened. The announcers urged everyone back to the curb, reminding us that horses are temperamental and everything was under control. Everything was not, in fact, under control. The horse and buggy crashed into a parked car, and all the burning hills singers jumped ship. The car was damaged and an ambulance was called as 16 year old cast member, Macy Jo, was having a panic attack. Thankfully the cast and and horses came through unharmed, and the show could go on. As you can imagine, this was the talk of the town for days to come.

(Buffalo Dale and some frightened Burning Hills Singers, as the horses begin to make a dash for it)

"Also here with us the folks from North Dakota Institute of Contempor... (a lot of loud screaming!!!) ...I think that speaks for it's self."

That was a totally legitimizing moment for us. It felt good.

Thanks, TR!

(carriage and maintenance thing)

As entertaining as those are, the prize goes to the golf cart parked across the street.

This beauty is brand new and owned by the Foundation and boy is this thing is customized. Not only does it have the Flintstones-esque woodgrain design, but the badlands are painted on the back and under the steering wheel, Theodore Roosevelt is painted on the sides, there are wild horses running out of a giant wave and Bully Pulpit (the golf course) is painted on the trunk between the painted on straps.

(Theodore Roosevelt on a horse)

There must be a design your own golf cart website, and I don't think it has an editor.

However, it is precisely these the over-the-top things that make Medora the fantastic, absurd, beautiful tourist destination that it is. Without these moments, it would be just another small town hiding in just about any national park.

Next came the lovely red plaid snap front western shirts. These, thankfully, come in both women's and men's sizes and look so much better on everyone. And they more fully embrace our western town.

However, with the arrival of new shirts, the Rough Rider Gift Shop, which is higher end than the rest of the foundation gift shops, had to start wearing black pants in anticipation of the black skirts we would soon receive.

The day the black skirts did come was a sad one. Western? I think not. The silver concha belts, maybe, but the skirts were a bad idea. Even worse when Sarah left the foundation and I was the only person under about 50 wearing this this thing around town.

(sarah is missing her belt, fail)

Something you should know about the Musical: Before the show, they heard 2 elk with giant antlers to the top of the hill behind the stage and bribe them to stay there with feed. It never ceases to amaze the guests. David had a fantastic joke about all the hunters (and hunter is a much better term than sportsman, because if hunting is a sport it's the only one where the other team has no idea they are playing) who sit there and twitch at the sight of those beautiful animals.

The Medora Musical is a family event, and the featured acts must follow suit. As you can imagine, David has plenty of material he can't use during the show, so he so kindly offered to do a club set for employees one night after the musical. I think we all had side aches for a few days afterwards. He had been in town for long enough to know exactly what goes down here, and he delivered a beautiful show that, for the most part, only a Medora employee could fully appreciate.

He's funny, check him out sometime: http://comedians.jokes.com/david-crowe

Or youtube him.

And Medora's version of the fresco comes with a not-so-subliminal message:

What exactly is better(n) than bacon? I'm still not sure.

The evening went as follows:

Guests arrive, claim a picnic table under the pavilion, and when the word is given everyone lines up at the buffet, hands in their ticket in exchange for a color coded plate referring to either a 9 oz new york strip steak, 12 oz rib eye or hot dog. Somewhere near the beginning of the line, it started raining, which quickly turned into an absolute downpour. The pavilion provides shelter, but the rain still blows in from the edges, and the fight for tables in the middle commenced. There were only 4 of us and we were near the front of the line so we managed to score a pretty good location. Live entertainment was provided by Steve Lasiter, the Burning Hills Singer, and members of the Coal Diggers. They did a great job and started playing somewhere over the rainbow when a beautiful one appeared in the sky, the plus side of the rain.

(a few of our fellow diners)

Our take on this event:

It was like a giant picnic with hundreds of strangers. The food was good, the steak was average (abby though it was weird, and well, it was), and the live band was entertaining. The rain and the fact that were hundreds of people there made it a bit of a stressful event. I wish the actual fondue-ing was a more central focus of the event. It happens off on the edge of the pavilion, and you can watch if you want to, but no one really does. Worth the $26 that paying guests spend? I don't know, but it was certainly entertaining!

(notice the pitchfork hole)

Oh and they guy sitting behind us with the shirt that said "I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables" was simply priceless.

VERY close to our house. Our nearest neighbors house was hit and their internet and power were knocked out. I'm guessing our outage has something to do with their problem.

The repair person was supposed to be here at 3PM. Hmmmmm? It's now 4:10 and not a peep, boo or holler from the company. I detest people that are late and even worse....people who are late and do not call to let you know they are running late. Hey, I have a life, however non-exciting it may be...and i still have places to go and people to see. I have to go to the feed store and get some rabbit food and guinea pig food. See. Exciting things to do and places to go.

But I really, really, hate waiting!

Two of my four kids have stories with a beginning. Two of my kids do not. For one of my kids, that means not knowing about the stresses and abuses he was exposed to in utero and ad-libbing the first 2 weeks of life. For one of my other sons, we know nothing about his first 3 years of life other than he was abandoned at an abusive, neglectful orphanage. For him, his story begins at the age of 3.

Of course in reality, both their stories begin before their first breath. This is where it gets sticky for me. I know one of my boys had a rough start from the moment of conception. His little developing body was exposed to substances that will forever affect the way he interacts and interprets the world around him. For my other little guy, his body was exposed to a disease in utero that had the potential to cause devastating effects upon not just his musculoskeletal system, but also his brain, heart and other vital organs. Chances are his birthmom didn't even have a clue she carried this disease. Their stories have very difficult beginnings to share with them. What's even harder is that while Thomas knew his birthmom's name and had a picture of her, her death meant he would never hear the story of his beginning from the one and only person who could tell it. For Jerome, we cannot offer ANY information to him about his birthmom or dad.

His story is unknown. I can't imagine how that would feel; to not know the story of your birth. To not know how he came to be left at an orphanage in a very dangerous part of Port-au-Prince. He wonders what her name is. He asks what she looks like and how old she is. For all those profoundly important questions, we tell him we honestly don't know the answer, but strive to give him information that makes him feel good about himself.

Today, he asked me again what his birthmom looked like. I told him I don't know, but that I am sure she had his happy eyes and brilliant smile. Other questions are harder to answer. He wants to know how old she is and where she lives now. He also wants to plan a trip to visit her in Haiti. At his age, he isn't connecting the dots that it will be impossible to locate a woman who is nameless, who left nothing behind, but an infant boy. He still enjoys making believe about seeing her someday. That's cool with us, but hurts us to know that eventually, he'll realize it's futile.

Everyone has a story. Sadly, not everyone can tell their story. Huge, critical pieces are missing. Do those missing pieces leave permanent holes in their hearts? I know for me, it would. For my boys, I'm not so sure. I know that no matter how much I love them, a piece of themselves....their beginning .... is missing forever. There are no do-overs, no second chances. You get what you get. My hope is that the rest of their lives are SO amazing, the beginning is not as important. I can never give them that part of 'their story' but hope to high heaven that the rest of their story can begin here, at home, in my heart forever.

The loose ends revolve around the distinct possibility of Marc being transferred. We've been in North Dakota for 8 years now and are in our second house here. When we moved here in 2003 we bought a house on 3 acres just north of town with a gorgeous view of the river. I loved the layout of that house and reveled in it's bright interior and southern exposure. Sadly, on only 3 acres, our growing menagerie needed more space to stretch their legs.

We bought 40 acres of beautiful rolling grassland and planned to build a house, but before that happened, this house came up for sale and was on 40 acres. It's plenty big and has a nice layout, but I wasn't wild about it at first. We've been in this house since 2006 and slowly over time, we've claimed it and made it not just another house, but H.O.M.E. We finished the basement, added counter tops, flooring, barns, arena's, fencing and I now feel at home in this house. We have 2 of the worst, lousiest neighbors alive, but I can overlook them, ignore them and find joy in our home and it's setting.

There are 3 very possible transfers in the wind right now. Each of those transfers hinge on a multitude of other factors far outside our control. We understand that moving is a possibility again for our family, but this time, we aren't finding much joy in it. We've made good, life-long friends here and have become members of a church our whole family enjoys and feels connected too. Going to church on Sunday isn't just about worshipping God, it's about connecting, visiting and giving to friends and a community. I'm not sure that kind of church family will be easy to replicate somewhere else.

We've moved before and will probably move yet again. I just wish that the government would give us some clues as to the directions things are heading. Until then, we sit and wait for Marc to get that infamous email telling him he has 90 days to report to the new office. Of course during those 90 days, there's a mad dash of a house hunting trip, getting the house ready for sale and appraisals, organizing for movers, closings, kids' schooling, finding new doctors, friends, church, veterinarians, etc, etc, etc. If I had to lay money on this, with our luck, we'll move sometime in the next 8 months and inevitably it will be during a blizzard.

My ability to move spur of the moment has waned over the years. C'mon gov. Give us a clue!

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Thomas is officially a teenager today, God help me!
12/06/2011

Information for Minot, North Dakota

Minot, ND

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Latitude: 48.23319 -- Longitude: -101.292229

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Thomas is officially a teenager today, God help me! 12/06/2011

Thomas is officially a teenager today, God help me!
12/06/2011